Twas the Night Before School

4 Sep

and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
The backpacks were set by the door with the shoes,
the morning would soon bring goodbyes and “Love you’s”.

*Deep breath in – Deep breath out*

When Logan went to Kindergarten, I cried for a month. I’m not even exgagerating one bit.

I literally cried every single day for a month when the bus drove off.  I *missed* him.  I missed him so much that it was hard for me to see the GOOD in him growing up.  I blogged back then too and found this post about him going to Kindergarten.
—————————–

The thing that I’m having the hardest time is is losing him.
He is my BUDDY.
It’s so funny, but this has been such an eye opening experience for me.
I think back to almost 6 years ago when he was born.
I didn’t even really know who I was at the time I gave birth to him.
I didn’t know who I was going to be, or what kind of mom I was going to be.
I was just 24 years old and went from being a kid really to being an at-home mom.
I evolved right along with Logan.
I figured myself out.
He was my sidekick. We did everything together, and I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with him.
I tell him that spending Logan-Mommy time is one of my most favorite things to do.
He always tells me it IS his favorite thing to do.
He is just such a big part of myself, my heart, my being that watching him go away is really an adjustment.
Never in a million years did I think that sending off Logan to Kindergarten would be this hard on me, but it has really been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

———————————–
Then came Miles.

OH, how that was different. But just as hard. In a completely different way.
He FLEW out of my life like a bird.
Literally.

I remember the night before Kindergarten suddenly being taken over by this need to write the adult Miles a heartfelt letter from his mom the night before he went to school.
Hand written. Five whole pages.
I was like a crazy person that night. Tears streaming down my face realizing that I felt at that moment that I took for granted all of the time that we had and perhaps I was a little to eager for him to bound off. I wanted to stop the train, reverse the engine and go back to when my little buddy and I were alone. Just the two of us.

My eyes were swollen so big the next morning – eyes still like faucets.

And oh, how I missed him.

And here we are again. The night before Kindergarten.
But this is a whole different ballgame. I’m in new territory here.

I can’t say that I’ve had years of Mommy Cora time.
I can’t say I’m going to miss her sweet little toddler self.
I can’t even get swept up in memories.
My memories are recent history. Not even 5 months old.

And *that* is why the tears are streaming down my face tonight.
This was our “birth”.


This was our infancy.


In 4 1/2 months she has gone from…
Scared.

to unsure

to

accepted


to accepting.
I think. I pray.

And poof. Here we are now. The bell has rung.

And you are so ready.
You’re like Miles, ready to bound out to the world.
There is no sadness here. From you, anyway.
You want to find your chingu’s! Want want to see your teacher! Want to be the big kid that you are.

So, my sweet Cora. My prayer for you is vastly different than my prayers for your brothers at your age.
Just like when they were little, I pray for you to find a special friend or two who can look past the part of not fully being able to communicate and can find the silly, the goofy, the crazy in you. The you who laughs all of the time, who cheers so loudly, who loves so deeply.  The you who would be an amazing friend to any of the 19 other kids in your class.

I pray that you are seen for the special little being that you are and that the teachers see when there is just too much english too fast for you to figure out.  I pray that the words we worked on, “I don’t understand” will come out when they need to, even though the word understand is very hard to say.  And if “I don’t understand” can’t come out, I hope you remember to simply say “Please help me”.
I pray that you are helped.

I pray that there are caring moms in you class who encourage their children to see the class, the WHOLE class as a gift and a blessing.
I pray that see your brothers throughout the day.
I pray that you truly, deeply, fully understand that you will be coming home each day and that mom and dad will always be here waiting for you.
I pray you understand fully what school is and what an oprhanage is and that you are going to A and never again to B.

I pray you know I love you.  And your dad loves you. I pray you know you are loved.
DEEPLY loved.

I pray your teacher loves you over time.
And I pray that she understands the balance that goes on with attachment and how her role can easily bruise the progress we’ve made to date.

I pray for good people. Kind children.
I pray your giggles light up the classroom!
I pray we can still keep climbing the mountain of attachment at the pace we’ve been climbing even though we will only see each other for 5 hours a day.

Please, please join me for praying for my children.
For my Logan to find his place in his classroom. The place that is just for Logan.
For my Miles to find his confidence. His ability to see himself as we all see him.
For my Cora to find security, peace and friendships.
And for my heart.
It’s been through the ringer this year.  It’s bruised and beaten and in need of healing.
This parenting stuff, this adoption stuff…it’s hard on an emotional creature like myself.

Tonight I go to sleep fully resting on God’s promise.  His love for my children. A love far greater than the love that I have for them.
And though I can HARDLY comprehend a love greater than my own, I take comfort in the promise of His love.

..so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. — Ephesians 3:17-19

 

 

 

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