Precious Babies…

24 Dec

As Christmas is approaching just hours away, I think about the past 7 years and this strange connection I’ve felt to Christmas.
To Mary, who was expecting baby Jesus, her son.

Now I know I have nothing in common with Mary, but when we read the story of Jesus’ birth, when we go to church and think about Jesus as a newborn and all of the moments surrounding his birth it brings me back to 7 years ago when I was large and pregnant with my son, due just a few days after the day we celebrate the birth of Christ.

Large and pregnant.

(39 weeks – picture taken Christmas 2004.)

I thought about Mary, large and expecting and the birth of her son and I knew I was having a baby boy, too. It’s a sweet connection to Christmas.

But with the passing of Christmas comes the memories of Miles’ birth, which was…well…complicated. I had Stage 1 Hellp syndrome.

Notes from my old pregnancy journal:

December 22nd: My blood pressure is USUALLY at like 106/60 ish…really always nice and low.  My nurse took my blood pressure today and it was 118/90!

January 2nd: For some reason, I’m getting really sick at night.  Every other night it seems. Last night was night number 3. (really 5 because the 2 nights in between I wasn’t sick)  I wake up around midnight with HORRIBLE cramps. I can’t sit, lay, stand, crawl or do anything without being in horrible pain! Then, after about 2 hrs the vomiting begins. Last night was so bad I thought I’d burst a blood vessel or something.  The first night we went to L&D and was told I had a stomach bug. But now, seeing its coming every other night, I”m assuming its not a stomach bug.  I’m up for a minimum of 4 hours. Freaking out. Taking a bath or a shower or trying to find a place where the pain isn’t so bad. Alone as I don’t want to keep Dave up and REALLY don’t want to wake up Logan.  It’s not easy. I’m a baby when I’m sick and I get scared being sick when I’m pregnant. What if the pressure is hurting the baby? What if the vomiting is hurting the baby?  Getting no sleep isn’t working for me either. Literally last night I had 2 hrs of sleep.  Any ideas on what you think could be happening?

Well, it was Hellp. I wound up with transfusions of platelets, magnesium sulfate, steroids and in insanely tramatic emergency induced labor which wound up in Miles being born on the bed-not-yet-broken-down. The room filled with doctors, a crash cart and just a crazy experience. Swelling in the brain, fluid behind my eyes, doctor thinking I had a mini-stroke (I did not) and blood that didn’t go back to normal for an entire year.  But praise God, we made it, both of us, alive.  That does NOT always happen, as I was just reminded of when reading a message from a woman who just lost her adult daughter from Hellp.

My Christmas Baby:

But this year, the thoughts that come to my mind aren’t the scary ones of trauma passed. They are of joyful expecting, once again.  No, my belly isn’t huge and overstretched, but my heart sure is! And my baby might not be an helpless infant, but a joyful, happy little girl.  I might not deliver her from my body, but she has already taken over a place in my heart.

Tomorrow when I am at church hearing the Christmas story of Jesus’ birth, I’ll connected with Mary in a new way.  I’ll always share the joy that I had Christmas eve when my belly was a round as a basketball. My little boy and Mary’s little boy, but this year, the Good New of Great Joy that we share will remind me a tiny little girl in Korea.

메리 크리스마스, 승주! 사랑하!

 

 

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