How long must I wait…

28 Sep

On the way home from Korean classes tonight, 10th Avenue North’s “Hold My Heart” came on.

I’ve sat here and tried for 10 minutes trying to figure out how to put the video in here, but alas, it is not going to happen.  Here’s the link.

And when I say, “How long must I wait…”  I’m not really talking about Cora here.  I know I have to wait for her.  It just keeps feeling like God is saying “no, no, no, no, no” on everything lately.

This has been a couple of weeks of hardness.  We were really blessed to have a little extra something with this adoption.  I can’t really say anything more, other than, we were blessed.  So much so.  An inside thing.  And then, *poof*, gone.  And I thought, why?  I asked God, “Why! Why would you take that away from me?” I still really don’t know.

But then, a totally unexpected door opened.

Despite looking for a few months with no luck, we found a tutor for Seung Joo!  My sister-in-law lived and taught English at Seoul National University and still has friends there.  Two of them opened her hearts to SJ and SJ and were amazingly kind and excited about the possibility of helping them transition to English.  We talked about books, lessons etc…and what to expect.  They promised pictures so we felt like we were right there with the girls. (Pictures to an adoptive parent…there are no words.)

Our agency inquired with our Korean agency and got the big huge “NO” today.  Because they are not legally “ours”, this causes some liability issues with the agency.

*sigh*

And we still don’t have her legals. And really, whatever by now.  I’m not afraid they’re missing or she’s ineligible, I just have come to the point that I simply just need them to come.  I’m not mad, I”m not angry, I’m not scared or sad, I’m just done.  Completely done. (13 weeks, people. Wait, is it 14.  I don’t know right now. TOo many.)

And I’m waiting for an agency update, too.  I haven’t gotten any from my agency yet in the past 3 months. (Which means never. Not one.)

So the lyrics of the song struck me today.

“How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long ’till I see Your face
See You shining through

I’m on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I’m on my knees
Father, will You turn to me?”

Typically this song doesn’t really do anything for me, but when I sang along with the lyrics tonight:

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin’ heart?
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart.

 

Now, despite the lyrics of this song, I do not doubt His perfect timing and His plans.  And I do realize that He probably wants me to work on PATIENCE, and maybe I should. 🙂  In fact, when I think about all of the things that have gone awry from MY play, it’s all about waiting.  I’m sort of smiling right now thinking that I’m understanding what my role is here.  Patience.  But singing along today sure did feel good. Pouting a little bit. Just like a kid mad at her daddy.  “How long will you make me WAIT?!”

Just writing this made me feel better.  I’ll keep waiting.  What more can I do.

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One Response to “How long must I wait…”

  1. Grace P. September 28, 2011 at 3:15 am #

    oh jen…i’m right there with you! have you heard the song “while i’m waiting” by john waller? i listened to taht so much during my wait for Joel to come home that even now when it comes on the radio, timothy refers to it as “Joely’s song”!

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